The dog has developed a strange habit of late when she stays with me. We will be out on a walk and if she sees people getting into a car, she strains on her leash to try and jump in with them.
This seems like odd behaviour from a dog so desperately attached to me, I need to bring her with to take the recycling out, lest she go berserk howling like I’ve abandoned her at sea. The other day, after TWO hours in the park, I dared to try and grab a coffee. As soon as she realized I was tying up her leash, she emitted a high pitched wailing I was certain could be heard in upstate New York.
The door to the coffee shop was open, and she was able to watch me through the window. Still, the barking and screaming continued. As I came back and untied her, I gently reproached her for being so silly and a woman commented (with let’s be honest, a lot of judgement and reproach) ‘wow, that dog really loves you’.
So I can only assume that when she attempts to clamber into strangers’ cars, she in turn assumes I am coming with her. Her eyes saying (and yes, I have been accused of anthropomorphizing this dog, but it’s just that I always know what she’s thinking and feeling!!) ‘come, let’s go on an adventure together’.
And I get it. There is nothing I love more than going somewhere new. It doesn’t have to be far, it just needs to be somewhere else. As we turn over the calendar to 2024, it’s hard to believe it will be coming on four years since the start of the pandemic, and when my world narrowed to the four walls of my apartment.
It’s taken effort to climb out of that bunker of isolation. And even now, I realize that I prefer closer one-on-one interactions over group activities. Not so much out of fear of getting sick (although that did happen again in October), but because I want to give someone my undivided attention.
Still, this past year I traveled more to see more people than I have in years. I went to Arizona, Alberta, California, Ohio, NYC - combining my love of travel with my love of baseball. I have tentative plans to do the same next year.
And it’s true, it scratched that itch of being ‘somewhere else’ - but it also revealed another truth. I have become somewhat uncomfortable with downtime. That maybe like the dog, I too have a form of separation anxiety. A fear that something else might happen that will keep me from the people I care about for months at a time. That a night I spend alone might again turn into hundreds more without seeming end.
Before covid, I was rarely home. I went to work, then the gym and some kind of event, Comedy, live music, sports. Didn’t really matter. I almost never turned down an invitation. This was the first year where I lived close to ‘normal’ again, albeit with a lot less events, but with far more socializing.
It was thrilling to feel like ‘me’ again. Spending time with friends, and meeting people I only knew from online. Seeing them emerge from my laptop or phone as fully realized humans. Getting to hug them. Going to baseball games. Traveling, booking flights at the crack of dawn and arriving at the airport even earlier to maximize vacation time. The first day of the trip a twilight zone of time difference changes and zero sleep.
I wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything. But I also realize I need to find some emotional balance. I can’t be like the dog, afraid that someone being out of my sightline means I am going to be alone again. I need to be able to leap into the car without looking back. And I also need to be okay with sometimes turning down the ride.
I hope that next year I will practice more equilibrium. And my wish for you in the new year is that you know more laughter than tears, enjoy good food, music, friendship, companionship. I believe that the people who fulfill you the most are those who not only put a smile on your face, but in your heart too. I hope something makes you smile every day.
Please have a peaceful and loving holiday season and all the very best for 2024. Maybe we can go to a baseball game together.
Nice. Happy new year. Question? What do you do with the dog when you travel? ❤️❤️☮️☮️
Ruth,
As always, exceptional work. I have to say your writing has been especially elucidating for me as of late, especially given 2023 (despite an AMAZING first half) turned bitter in the end. The sheer love and unconditional understanding and honesty of your prose always warms my heart. The lack of balance in arts and socialization is something I too really needed to rectify this year, and hope to do so to the best of my ability in 2024.
Have a great holiday. Keep up your humanistic advocacy, and hope to cross paths with you in person sometime,
Marshall