A couple of days back, I realized I had 200 subscribers to this newsletter, and that each post receives more than double that in views and reads.
I was pretty floored. When I started these ‘Musings’, I had no idea what I was going to write about, or who would even want to read it. These numbers may seem low if you’re trying to make a living this way, but for someone who wasn’t even sure her family would like it - it’s kind of staggering.
But I’d be lying if I said I still don’t feel a rush of a mixture of anxiety and a weird kind of shame (am I being boastful, is this too weird?) every time I hit publish. Yet I do it because I want to push myself past my comfort zone, I don’t want to stagnate, and it’s been lovely to realize I’ve somehow created a little community here.
It’s still my hope to include other people’s writing here going forward. Maybe you don’t want the challenge of publishing with any kind of schedule or regularity, but you have something to say. Please - say it here! I would love that.
I’ve been feeling reflective lately. I’ve planned a couple of small trips to Phoenix and NYC in the first half of next year (baseball trips, of course). And it’s made me think about how much time I spent alone during the first two years of the pandemic. And everything my family went through in that period too. The weight of it at times felt overwhelming, and I occasionally wonder how I didn’t crack completely.
I don’t really know the answer. Maybe I just took as deep a breath as my wheezy asthmatic lungs would allow knowing the only way forward is to take the next step. And eventually you’ll get to where you need to be.
The holiday season tends to be a time of reflection for most of us, as we look back at the year and take stock, while making plans for the next.
I used to be a hardcore resolutions girl, with the cheat of Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year) giving me a fourth quarter push to let me either speed run the original resolutions, or test drive some new ones.
But they were always resolutions about ‘improving’ myself in a way that reinforced a feeling of not being good enough. Exercise or lifestyle changes for appearance, not health. Vows to try and be less needy, to stop asking ‘if that jacket is warm enough’ or to please text me when you get home. To stop being so annoying. The ‘I’ll start my diet on Monday’ on steroids kind of resolution that was really saying ‘if you just do these things, somehow you will become a more deserving person’.
I don’t want to do that to myself anymore. This is who I am. Hopefully it is enough, and for the people it’s not, they can go kick rocks. (But I will probably still remind them to bring a sweater, it gets colder at night than you think).
And so with that, I wish you a very happy holidays and thank you for joining me on this journey. I recognize too that this time of year can be challenging for so many. Missing someone who is no longer here, or struggling with the relationships you have with people who are.
For whatever reason, if you find yourself low and needing a safe place to share, know I’m here to listen without judgement. As you have with me.
I hope that 2023 brings you joy, friendship, good health and success - however you define them all. And that every day you find a reason to smile.
Please have a peaceful and loving holiday season. Stay cozy and warm. Send someone a message to say you're thinking about them, say ‘I love you’ more (even if it’s just to the pets) be kind to others and especially to yourself.
Thanks for joining me here. I hope you’ll stick around.
XO, Ruth
I love your takes and your sharing of your experiences. It is a refreshing thing when you realize others go through things. Keep sharing!
Continue to be you! It is enough! Love your writing.